Russians Mark Olympic Closing Ceremony with Invasion of Major Nation State

Sochi Olympics marked by InvasionSOCHI, RU.  To Mark the end of the Sochi Paralympics, the Russian Olympic Committee announced today that the closing ceremony would include over 3000 performers, 9600 fireworks and the invasion of the major independent nation state.

“We felt that it was important to honor the tradition set for the 1980 Moscow Olympics which we celebrated by in the invasion and 10-year-old occupation of Afghanistan,” remarked a senior Committee official.  “For obvious reasons that venue wasn’t available to us, but we think we found one [in the Ukraine] much better.”

At a pricetag of $50 billion, the Sochi games is seen by many as a celebration of Russia’s past greatness and hopes for future glory.

“The Olympics were very important for us,” stressed President Putin to Reuters, “because it seems to me … that they not only opened Russia’s door but opened Russia’s soul, the soul of our nation - so that people looked and saw that there is nothing to fear.”

According to sources, the closing ceremony will begin with 200 gymnasts performing a series of back flips, followed by 5000 heavily armed troops in BTR-80 wheeled amphibious armored personnel carriers annexing the Crimea Region.  Shortly after, there will be a stirring performance by the Kuban Cossack Choir and a heavily rigged referendum that is said to have already failed international monitoring standards.

“I’m really quite excited”, giggled the official. “It’s just like when I was a boy.”

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Facebook buy Investment Bubble Prediction Firm for $2.2b

Facebook Everything is Awesome

MENIO PARK, CA.  Concerned that their own acquisition of 42 web and technology companies in 4 years may be driving up the cost of future acquisitions, Facebook (FB - NASDAQ), announced today the $2.2b acquisition of a firm specializing in the prediction of web and technology acquisition bubbles.

The firm, a Boston based analytics firm called “HowMuch!?”, announced they were delighted at the opportunity of working within the $152.4b market cap organization.  In an upbeat press conference, the CEO of HowMuch!? added that he would also be dropping in from time to time on his old colleagues, along with his CFO, COO and CTO, to see how everyone else was getting on.  Opportunity to do so, he added, being dependent on maintaining his tax status as a citizen of Mauritius.

Facebook Sen VP and Web and Technology Company Acquisition Evangelist added, “The purchase of HowMuch!? will strengthen our hand in the marketplace immeasurably, and will ensure that we maximize shareholder value going forward in this space from the get-go.”

Tech Merchant Banker John Tomlin goes further.  “To date they [Facebook] have spent over $45b on acquisitions, but it’s been increasingly difficult to find firms willing to be sold to Facebook for hundreds of millions when they see others going for much more.  This acquisition will certainly help.”






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Scientists Warn of Hole in Bottom of Barrel

CERN finds hole at bottom of the barrelGENEVA.  In a press conference held near the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, particle physicists confirmed the existence of a hole in the bottom of the collective barrel.  Suspected for some time, this discovery confirms many suspicions about the human gene pool, it’s diversity and competence.

“We knew we’d been scraping at the bottom of the barrel at an unsustainable rate for some time now,” existed Prof Heinz Wolf, Chief Scientist.  “What we weren’t prepared for, and what this new data confirms for the first time, is that we’ve created a large hole there.  What’s most concerning is, it’s expanding.”

There isn’t enough evidence to measure with any precision the rate of the expansion, but estimates vary from the hole stabilising at it’s current size, to ultimately consuming the whole barrel by the turn of the century.

“And there’s not much we can do about it,” went on Wolf.  “The damage done is irreversible. With the state of the world-wide economy and the rising need to staff an increasing number of technically challenging jobs from essentially the same gene pool, it looks unlikely that governments will be able to react in time to stop the expansion.”

“The hole in the bottom of the barrel is the result of the combined effects of widespread industrialization, and the need to maintain progress regardless of the increasing complexity of simple jobs.  Whereas previously, menial jobs like boiler replacement, and acting in High Executive Office simply required commonsense, judgement and a bit of experience, now such jobs require deep knowledge of the systems and processes.  That’s just beyond us now.””More research is clearly needed,” concluded Prof Wolf, “just to double check in case we’ve got this all wrong.”

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Is Amazon in League with Lucifer?

Amazon the DevilIn an unexpected turn of events, Amazon, the online retailer, has been accused of enrolling Satan during its recent upgrade of its product suggestion software engine.

The evidence, which was submitted to a state court late last year, was first highlighted by blogger and ex-software engineer Sarah Good. She accused the retail giant of an ‘unnatural predilection to black candles, chanting, wond’rous mirages and smells’ during their twice daily code-commit and roll out to live.

In support of these claims others have come forward. Jane Seymour, a long time user of Amazon, admits to being ‘overcome by the odour of Ba’al’ twice weekly, usually Wednesdays and Fridays, during her shopping cart binges in Amazon. Although she stresses that most items are returned in their original, sellable condition, she has lapsed in the past.

In further testimony, Rebecca Nurse, also a long term Amazon user, has laid down testimony that the website ‘knows my thoughts before I do, I’m a most unnatural manner’. Three times she has had to shutdown her laptop in shock at the well thought through product suggestions and offers that have come up unbidden.

John Proctor, Head of Dev-Ops at Amazon, had this to say:

“I don’t know where this is coming from. We’ve known these shoppers for most of their online lives. It just doesn’t make sense. Of course we’re not in league with the devil. A quick look at our testing back-log should be proof enough!

Although asked for comment, Beelzebub declined to go on record.

The trial starts in the spring.

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Supercomputer models one second of human brain activity, finds it thinking about sex

JAPAN.  In a seminal moment for Artificial Intelligence researchers and neuroscientists around the world, a team in Japan has succeeded in simulating one second of normal brain activity using the K Supercomputer cluster. The cluster, consisting of over 700, 000 processors and 1.4 million Gb of RAM, took 40 minutes to carry out the feat.  More impressive still, the researches found that, for that second, the brain was taken up entirely with plans, thoughts and expectations around having sex.

“We did wonder as we powered this thing up whether it would take the opportunity of that second to seize control of the planet, or to reprogramme itself to be permanently aware, but no, it did none of those things.  In fact, it seems quite normal really,” explained Mr Mashito, Head of Research.  “From the telegraphy and data we captured, it seems to have spent the first 20 microseconds feeling quite horny, before looking round for any other supercomputers in the area for another 10 microseconds.  There then followed a brief 5 microsecond period of insecurity and depression before the cycle started again.”

The research aims to provide a glimpse at what can be achieved with the processing power now becoming available, and apply it to new areas of medicine.  A secondary objective, to reassure both neuroscientists and Artificial Intelligence Researchers that they’re really not that unusual for thinking about sex quite so much, is also expected to be achieved.


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Whale to be pieced back together following suspicious explosion

BEVERLEY BEACH, FL.  In an attempt to establish beyond reasonable doubt the cause of death of the Blue Whale at the center of an explosion last week, Forensic Investigators began today the long, thankless task of piecing it back together.

The Whale allegedly died immediately before or during an explosion in the early hours of Monday.  It followed three previous whale explosions posted online over the last month.  All four explosions have been posted online.

“We’re taking this very seriously,” explained Tom Jeffers, lead Forensic Scientist.  “There could be a perfectly understandable reason for this fourth whale explosion, and it may not be connected with the other three.  But we have to keep an open mind, and if [the whale] was alive - boy, is this guy in trouble!”

Mr Jeffers offered this advice to anyone thinking about detonating their own marine mammal:  “We’re not trying to spoil anyone’s fun, but please, please, please get the thing certified as dead before the detonation.  If that had happened this time, none of this would have been necessary.”

The whale will be reconstructed piece by piece in a nearby hanger, before being handed over to specialists to establish exactly how, or why, the whale died.

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NORAD shot down Santa in 1950s - new revelations

COLORDO SPRINGS.  Following news that NORAD track Santa, Colonel David Regix, Duty Officer at NORAD in the 1950s,  admitted under questioning that the USAF had successfully intercepted and destroyed Santa, with reindeers and sleigh, in 1955.

“It was necessary, this was the Cold War,” admitted the retired Colonel.  “Every year he used to come over, and set off a full scale spin-up of our missile capability.  We’d then take a full 48 hours to stand down.  That just wasn’t acceptable, as it gave the Soviets a perfect window to strike.  The decision to take him [Santa] out was an easy one.  We just had to think of a cover story.”

And that’s what they’ve had.  Since the intercept, NORAD have been ‘faking’ Santa’s tracks within their system, as proof that all is still well.

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Microsoft set new minimum password length at 18770 characters

REDMOND, WA.  Microsoft today confirmed that they will now be enforcing a previous password policy which requires users to set a password of at least 18,770 characters in length, and not repeat any of the previous 30689 passwords created by the user.  

The Microsoft policy found here marks an increase in the security requirements set by the corporation.  In a press release, Microsoft urged users to ‘take their own security very seriously indeed’, noting that these were minimum requirements and that users should use their own judgement as to whether to increase password length further.

“What we’ve seen over the last few years is nothing short of a perfect storm, with user laisez-faire mixing with the malcontent of dark forces and other hacking types,” a well-placed senior Microsoft executive confirmed to OwniLeaks.  “We just wanted to give some guidance, and to make sure people understood that if they didn’t follow it, well, there’s nothing we can be held accountable for.”

The password length set by a Microsoft Tiger Team of Technical and Legal experts, sees a rise from the previous minimum password length, of 17,145.

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Anonymous hacker attacks Anonymous hacker

INTERNET.  After a presumed deep insult off-net, a hacker referring to himself as ‘Anonymous’ has sworn to erase all mention of his sworn enemy, a hacker going by the name ‘Anonymous’, from history.

The war between the hacktivists has already started in earnest, with all posts from Anonymous to a forum set up by Anonymous being deleted over the weekend.  Anonymous immediately retaliated, first destroying the website and then the back-ups of Anonymous in the early hours.

“This is just dense,” tweeted a third hacktivists who does not want to be named.  “We’re meant to be fighting the faceless, corporate, government hypocracy of faceless men in black suits, not weakening ourselves through internecine strife!”

“It is quite exciting to be in on the action, though”, he added.

Airport Body Scanner Accused of Brutal Honesty

CHICAGO.  Confirming what many had already believed, John Roberts, Head Airport Security Chief at Chicago OHare confirmed that Body Scanners really did show the entire body of the person being scanned, bumps, warts and all.  What’s more, it’s not a pretty sight.

Calling for more psychological support for Airport Security Guards worldwide, Mr Roberts claims that he has lost four of his staff this year already because of “the daily horror of it all.”

“At first we thought it would be fun.  You know, it’s kind of cool, and every now and again you get to check out someone really hot.  Problem is, for every one of those, there are a thousand overweight, sweaty, dismorphic and frankly quite hideous members of humanity.”

“It’s really disturbing”, confirmed Tom Hollow, the duty guard.  “You think that maybe they could have added some kind of automatic photoshop touch up to the video, but oh no, we get it all.”

Previously drawing most of their belief and understanding about the form and natural beauty of the human body from films, posters and magazines, being put on the desk is now understood to be deeply traumatic.

“It’s shaken me to the core.  I mean, models, movie stars, those guys - they just don’t look like that.  No one does,” continued Mr Roberts.  “I just want me innocence back.”

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